lovenotfear Thoughts and inspiration for a happier you




WWTBVOMD?


No, it’s not a word puzzle, so my apologies if you spent the last 17 minutes trying to figure it out.

What it is, is an acronym. You know how some people wear rubber bracelets that say WWJD? It means What Would Jesus Do? - and the purpose of course, is to get you to stop and think about whether the way you are responding to something is the way Jesus would respond. Or to give you guidance when you don’t know what to do.

I have a better one. When in doubt, ask yourself:
What Would the Best Version of Me Do?

WWTBVOMD?

A client sends an email that triggers you and you’re about to pop one back, resplendent with phrases like “as per my last email”, “just so you know” and “by the way”.

Stop. Ask yourself – what would the best version of me do?

You’re out with some friends, your partner is at home and a cutie starts to flirt with you. What would the best version of you do?

Even if you are just considering staying in bed for another hour or in your PJs all day. Is that would the BEST version of you would do?

Whether in work, relationships or just when you’re by your own self, there is always the option to be the best version of yourself in that moment. And sometimes, the best version of you DOES stay in bed for another hour or in your PJs all day because self-care doesn’t come naturally to you, and it’s what you really need in the moment. There is no specific right or wrong. It’s not WHAT WOULD THE BEST VERSION OF STEVEN DO (or Rory or Alison). What would the best version of YOU do?

Next time you’re confused about what to do, how to do it, or whether to do it at all, remember WWTBVOMD? And then do that.

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Whatever!”


It’s quite a simple equation - if you want to see and feel an immediate improvement in your relationship, improve the way you (both) communicate.

Words have incredible power. We use them – sometimes in the most subtle ways - to bring our partners down, criticise them, make them feel a bit bad about themselves and other not-so-nice things. Here are 10 phrases you should stop saying immediately.

1. “Whatever.”
A timeless classic, “whatever” is used to dismiss what your person is saying (and feeling). It’s a firm favourite with those who have a passive aggressive style of communicating in a disagreement. When they start to feel angry or uncomfortable or like they’re backed into a corner, instead of facing the disagreement, expressing their emotions honestly and hearing what the other person is saying, they say “whatever” to summarily end the disagreement.

2. “Anyway…”
A bit more subtle, “anyway” is also dismissive. It implies that the conversation isn’t worth finishing, or that your or your partner’s thoughts, feelings etc., are not that important. It’s a verbal outward wave of the hand. It can sometimes work as a segue from the conversation you started but got too chicken to finish and the part where you move swiftly along to something more mundane:

It’s just that you said you’d be here at 1. Anyway… have you decided what you want to order?” Stay with it. Finish the convo.

It can also be used in a self-effacing way – where you are almost managing to speak your truth about something, but then get scared or feel silly or something, so you say “anyway” to dismiss it and move on.

3. “Never mind”
Again, dismissive and disrespectful. It implies something like “you’ll never get it”, “it’s pointless”, “you’re stupid”. “I don’t care”, “you don’t care” and other such passive aggressive shitty things, without saying them.

4. “What’s wrong with you?”
This is rhetorical obviously, so not really a question - more of a statement. It says: “there is something very wrong with you.” It’s not nice. Don’t ever say this. Unless your dude has sold his car for cheap plastic inflatable flamingos that he hopes to sell on ebay. Then, you can say it. But if it’s because he eats meat, or said something inappropriate or missed the toilet, it’s not okay to say this. If you’re about to say this, ask yourself if you are making assumptions and being Judgy McJudgerson.

5. “You always…”
These sweeping blanket statements are never a good idea. Instead of saying “you always leave gooey stuff on the dishes when you wash them”, say: “hey babe, you’re a champ for washing the dishes, but I was thinking maybe you should wear your glasses when you do, because you sometimes don’t see some remnants, you sexy beast of a man”.
Instead of: “you’re always in a bad mood”, try: “you seem to be in a not-so-good space lately… is there anything I can do?”

6. “You never.”
Same as above. “You never bring me flowers anymore.” “You never get it.” “You never listen.” Stop. Take a breath. Think about what it is you feel is lacking, and without using the word “never”, ask for what you want. Instead of: “you never ask me how my day was”, say: “I would love it if once in a while you showed an interest in my day, what I did, or what’s going on. Do you think you could try to be a bit more mindful of that and a bit more curious about my day?”
How much more productive and constructive is that?

7. “It’s fine.” (when it’s not) and “I’m fine” (when you’re not)
It’s so easy sometimes to say everything’s cool, when deep down (or even not so deep down), you’re actually feeling quite pissed off. If it’s not fine, don’t say it is. If you’re not fine, don’t say you are. You are allowed to express anger or disappointment, but do so with kindness and in a way that builds, rather than breaks. Truth in a relationship is very attractive. It may not feel like lying lying, but saying it’s all good when that is not how you feel is an untruth. If you don’t want to talk about it right there and then, rather say: “I am feeling super weird and it’s hard to know right now what the feeling is, so I just don’t want to talk about it now.

8. “If you love me…”
Don’t even. Unless you’re totally joking. This is super manipulative and has no place in a relationship beyond the year 1989.

9. “Typical”
When you’re in an argument, and your partner says or does something you don’t like, and your response is “typical”, it implies so much, doesn’t it? It’s basically saying, well this is exactly the kind of thing you would say/do, because you’re essentially, at your core, an asshole (or a liar, or a scaredy cat or whatever). It’s a direct attack on the other person’s character. This other person being your person – the one you love more than anyone else on earth, remember?

10. “You’re funny.”
Nothing wrong with saying this if you have just had a laugh and you’re telling your person that you think they’re funny. The problem comes in when the statement is nothing to do with humour, and you’re using the word “funny” as a replacement word for something you can’t say. Like lazy, or selfish, or insensitive, or whatever it is you are feeling about your little honey bear in that moment. Rather say how you really feel, but in a kind and constructive way, and only after assessing its importance in that moment.

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Spring Clean your Friendships


I think it’s important every now and then to stop and consider your friendships: establish who your real friends are, which new friendships you should pursue and which friendships are sapping too much of your energy. What better time to do that than right now, before the social season kicks in? Consider it a sort of spring cleaning of the friends.

So how do you go about this?

STEP 1

UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

Establish what friendship means to you. I’ve made my own little list of what I think friends are. See if you agree and then add your own criteria to the list. Don’t necessarily think about YOUR friends – just think about what you think friendship is or should be.

I think good friends are people who:

• Take the time to ask you how you feel
• Listen to what you say
• Invite you to spend time with them
• Hug you for no reason
• Tell you they love you
• Take a real interest in your life
• Trust you with their secrets and keep yours under lock and key
• Are truthful with you, but always kind
• Are open to you
• Enjoy similar things to you
* Call you on your stuff
* Truly want you to be happy, successful and all the good things

And most importantly, a good friend is someone who makes you feel good about yourself. They should not make you feel guilty or misunderstood or in competition or feeling like you have to watch what you say. You don’t feel judged or put down in any way. You can be yourself.

Step 1 is really about knowing how you feel about friendship – how you would define it.

STEP 2

MAKE A LIST OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS

Now think about your friends. Who are they? (Other than the 357 friends you have on facebook…)

Start by listing the people you spend the most time with (outside of work). Now think about who your favourite favourite people are – even if they live far away or you don’t see them that much… Do the two lists match up? Are you spending the most time with your favourite peeps?

STEP 3

ESTABLISH THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Now that you have a list of who your friends are, think about how these people fulfil your idea of what friendship is from step 1.

Who are the people who tick most of the boxes and especially, who makes you feel good about yourself and comfortable to be yourself?

 Which of these friends do you love?
 Who do you trust?
 Who do you feel the safest with?
 Who can you really be yourself with?
 Who loves you?
 Who do you have unresolved issues with?

Really think about what each friend gives you. What it is you enjoy about each one and where do you feel you are not enjoying the friendship truthfully?

Analyse each friendship in terms of the amount of joy it brings you and how “safe” you feel really being yourself. You might find the list gets considerably shorter as you go through your criteria.

STEP 4

WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

I remember reading somewhere (probably a Famous Five or Secret Seven book) that in order to have good friends you have to be a good friend. It’s always stuck with me – or rather resurfaced whenever I felt lacking in the friend department or let go of a friendship for whatever reason…

You’ve looked at how you think your friends fair. How do you match up? Look at your list of criteria again. Are there areas where you fall short? Are there friendships where you give too little? Or too much?

For instance, do you know as much about your friends as they know about you? Do you remember their birthdays and their kids’ birthdays? Do you appreciate them for the people they are? Do you give as much as you receive? Do you ask them how they are and listen to the answer? Do you gossip about your friends? Do you wish them well or are you envious of their success? Are YOU honest and supportive and compassionate and fun to be around?

STEP 5

TAKE ACTION

So now you have a good feeling for who the most special people in your life are. And you’ve thought about the kind of friend you are… What steps do you need to take to spring clean your friendships?

 Maybe you need to email your long distance friends more and grow the friendships despite the distance?
 Perhaps you’ve realised you have a friend or two who just doesn’t make you feel good about yourself or who you don’t have that much in common with after all?
 Do you need to reach our more to the people you care about?
 Do you have friends who are going through “stuff” who could use a bit more support?
 Is there a friendship you need to get “back on track” by getting something off your chest?
 Are there any on your list who you can honestly say bring you NO JOY?
 Anyone on your list who would be delighted to receive a small surprise gift or even a phone call from you – just because you love them?
 Any new friends you really want to make an effort to get to know better?
 Anyone you’ve lost touch with who you want to rekindle the friendship with?

Work out your own action plan and then take real steps – STARTING TODAY - towards ensuring all your friendships are real, true and mutually joyful!

FINALLY, Step 6. If you wrote a list of your friends and gave them all ratings and wrote down honest thoughts about them, burn or delete that list this instant. For real.

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The Law of Least Effort


One of my favourite possessions is a little book by Deepak Chopra called The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success. He has such a wonderful way of simplifying complex philosophies so that the man on the street (or even the woman on the couch) can easily understand them.

Personally I think everyone should buy the book, but until such a time as you have it in your slender hands, I’ll give you a taste – THE LAW OF LEAST EFFORT.

In essence, this law states that nature’s intelligence or the Universe functions with effortless ease … with carefreeness, harmony, and love. And when we as humans harness the forces of harmony, joy, and love, we create success and good fortune in our lives, with effortless ease. He puts it beautifully when he says a blade of grass doesn’t try to grow, it just grows. A bird is not constantly struggling to fly – it just flies.

Wouldn’t be great if we could live as easily and naturally and effortlessly as grass grows… without all this damn struggling we do all the time?

According to the 7 Spiritual Laws, work, money, success, love… all the things we struggle to hold onto all the time, would come to us easily if we learnt to go with the flow of the universe, if we learnt to stop struggling against the natural order of things and learnt to just be…

Let’s take look at a few everyday examples:

The Party”

Let’s say you want to go to a party and the true reason you want to go to this particular party is because your ex is there with his new girlfriend and you want to see what she looks like.

(Don’t pretend you’d never do it)

While you’re getting dressed and visualising what might happen when he sees you 6kg lighter, your phone rings and it’s an old friend in town for the night wanting to hook up for drinks.

TEST: What do you think the easy, harmonious, flow-of-the-universe decision would be?

To let the ex get on with his night and meet up with your mate, of course! Your night will be effortless, fun and uplifting.

But…by declining the friend’s offer and going to the original party, all nervous and full of fear and ill-intent, you are struggling against the natural order of things and will probably have a kak night! Why? Because your decision was in essence based in fear, and not love.


The Artist”

Let’s say you’re an artist and all you really want is to be able to make a living from your art.

But, the nature of the art world being what it is, the strains and stresses of everyday life and societal pressures mean you can’t just create… because as you create, you’re wondering if it will sell, how much it will sell for, etc. You let other people’s crticisms sway you or make you doubt yourself or your ego won’t allow you to take good advice or crticism. Or maybe you refuse to take a normal job in the meantime because you believe it’s a sign of failure etc. etc. when in reality it’s simply a means to the end and perfectly acceptable, if not necessary. Basically, you are letting fears and doubts and ego into your art.

But if for instance you decide to take a part-time job which is actually quite OK and you accept that and your art is a pure expression of love and freedom and joy, and you are simply creating because you are a creator, the positive energy will continue to flow from you and therfore WITH you and more will come to you!

You could even go out of your way to make sure that the job is related to your art, so that it is in alignment with your BIG PLANS, for instance by working nights at the Butt Art Studio.


The Promotion”

Or let’s say you really really want a promotion and when the time comes, someone from outside is appointed and joy of all joys, the skinny little bi-atch is now your superior…

Being bitter, making judgements and assumptions about the decision, being uncooperative with the new chick, walking around the office with a face like a smacked asshole and so on, will not bring you any joy at all and will create a domino effect of struggling with her and could escalate to Dynastian proportions.

But if you embrace the decision and truly carry on with love in your heart, you might find things turn out in your favour after all. Because you just never know what the flow of the universe is. For all you know she feels she doesn’t fit into the company and resigns, recommending you for the position because you’ve been so helpful and supportive and stuff!

See what I’m saying? Trust the Universe. Accept. Go with the flow and things will be easier than you can imagine.

Stop questioning, second-guessing and trying to control. Relinquish that control to the Universe and you’ll soon find you have so much more energy to enjoy yourself.

Which does not mean DO NOTHING. It doesn’t mean you can sit on your ass all day waiting for things to come to you - it simply means there is an EASY path to your success and the things you want in life.


Deepak gives this advice for people wanting to learn to practice The Law of Least Effort

Accept people, circumstances and events as they are in this moment, because it took the entire universe to create this moment.

When confronted with a challenge, remind yourself, “This moment is as it should be, because the entire universe is as it should be.” Accept things as they are, not as you want them to be.

Take responsibility for your situation without blaming anything or anyone, including yourself.

Try to see every problem as an opportunity which can be transformed to greater benefit.

Practice defencelessness: Relinquish the need to defend your point of view. Remain open to all points of view, not rigidly attached to one of them. That way, when opportunity knocks, you’ll willingly open the door!

It’s not easy putting these principles into practice, but it’s not impossible! Baby steps. For instance, when I wake up tomorrow morning and look at my winter blubber, I will accept it, embrace it even. I will accept responsibility for the winter blubber without blaming myself. I will not try to squeeze into something I clearly don’t fit into. Instead I will slip effortlessly and happily into my Tai fishing pants and superwoman t-shirt, slap myself on the ass and say “yeah baby” or similar.

And I definitely won’t spend too much time worrying if you-know-who is getting along with her you-know-what this week. Or when next they may see one another. Breathe. Let go. Trust. Least effort. Flow.

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How I manifested a camera


I first encountered The Law of Attraction about 10 years ago.

My girlfriend and I had broken up and the digital camera was unfortunately hers… I really wanted to get myself a cool little camera so I could keep playing but alas, I was completely broke, what with moving and deposit etc. and my salary was stretched to capacity anyway.

Nonetheless, in the weeks that followed, I would go into Game or similar and price the cameras I liked. Of course I knew the chances of me having 4 or 5 K to buy a camera were quite skraal BUT I looked anyway. One night I sat with my pen and notebook and did this little exercise where I wrote down all sorts of cool ideas for when I had my camera one day.

That Friday I was at work when one of the guys in the office sent an email around saying that BA’s in-flight magazine were running an amateur photographic competition and that the entries closed at 5pm that day. The prize? A Nikon P5000 worth R4500!

Uh-huh!

I went home and got some pics I’d taken in Switzerland and France and raced back to the office, scanned a few and sent them. I don’t think I expected to win, but I also didn’t expect not to. I think I just let it go.

Now one would think it would take weeks before you even heard from them but the very next Monday I received a call from a lady saying I had won the camera. All she needed was my delivery address!

I kid you not, within a week of spending the time and energy writing down what I would DO with a camera, that very camera came to me!

That, I believe, is the Law of Attraction.

Not too long after that, The Secret came out. It took me a few years to see movie, but I had never forgotten the sentiment. Or rather, it comes back to me every now and again.

Deepak Chopra talks about the Law of Intent and Desire, and says that inherent in every desire are the mechanics for its fulfillment. He says we can literally change the energy not only within our own bodies but also within our environment – to the extent that we can cause things to manifest in it. (Things like a camera or a car or love or health or money.)

This change is brought about by two qualities inherent in consciousness: Attention and Intention.

Attention energises, while Intention transforms.

Whatever we put out attention on, will grow. If we take our attention away, it will wither.

So it stands to reason that if you are constantly thinking your boyfriend is going to cheat you, chances are he will cheat on you, because you have given so much attention to “your boyfriend cheating”. You have attracted it to yourself.

In the secret they say:

“Whatever you are thinking, is in the process of becoming.”

If you feel blessed and lucky and you’re grateful, you will attract more of the same.
If you are always complaining about how bad things are, things will just get worse.
If you truly want something, and your intention is pure and energised, it will come to you.

But back to Deepak:

“In most people, Desire can be described as Intention with an ATTACHMENT to the outcome.”

The way I understand this is… for instance:

  • You are desperate for a specific person to ask you to a party because you believe it will lead to love and you’ll just die if they don’t end up loving you;
  • you’re so anxious and nervous about whether or not you’ll be approved for that vehicle loan that it keeps you awake at nights;
  • you really really really want a house that will impress your friends and your enemies.

Do you see the pattern there? The attachment to the outcome is linked to fear. Fear of rejection, failure, whatever. There’s too much going on. It’s not simple anymore.

Deepak Chopra says the true power or desire lies in practicing Intent with DETACHMENT. In other words, you are genuinely OK with the outcome, because you TRUST IN THE INFINITE ORGANISING ABILITIES OF THE UNIVERSE.

So you’ll be more likely to manifest a beautiful mountain bike if the reason you want that bicycle is because you feel FREE when you’re on it… and not because you “MUST lose 10 kgs for your ex’s wedding”.

If you want to manifest lots of lovely ZAR (or any other currency) in your bank account, it won’t happen if you feel guilty for wanting it or if you keep questioning yourself and asking: “But how? I earn a crap salary. I won’t ever have lots of money in my account”.

YOU don’t have to worry about the detail. You simply have to be present and aware of what you need and want and not focus on the future outcome or the details.

More from Deepak:

How can you harness the power of intention to fulfil your dreams and desires? You can get results through effort, but if you follow these steps your intent will generate its own power.

  1. Centre yourself in the silent space between thoughts – in the essential state of being.
  2. Release your intentions and desires with the expectation that they will bloom when the season is right.
  3. Keep your desires to yourself. Don’t share them with anyone unless they are closely bonded with you.
  4. Relinquish your attachment to the outcome.
  5. Let the Universe handle the details.

I interpret those steps like this:

  1. Learn how to be still and simply breathing. Learn to listen to yourself and understand what it is you truly, honestly and purely want.
  2. Put some energy into it – do something positive in the direction of your desire. This shouldn’t be EFFORT – not tiresome phone calls etc. Draw a picture of the life you want, go into a showroom and test drive that car, circle the FOR SALE ads in the farming section. BE FREE!
  3. Sometimes when you talk too much about doing something, you forget the doing bit. And I reckon sometimes you talk so much about something, it’s released too loudly and it flutters away. Or something like that.
  4. Don’t be desperate or attach too many other things to what you want. Know that things will be as they should be.
  5. Don’t fret about the detail. You’ll only convince yourself it can’t happen. You can’t control it at all, so all that energy will simply be wasted.

So… if you find some quiet time this week, why not think about what it is you desire, right now, in your life. And then follow the steps above and see what happens! You can start off by attempting to manifest something small and short-term and then as you get to understand better what you want in the longer term, put it out there!

I have a newer, fancier Canon these days, but my trusty little Nikon is still going and perfect for festivals and hiking. It’s compact and it takes awesome photos.


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