I think it’s important every now and then to stop and consider your friendships: establish who your real friends are, which new friendships you should pursue and which friendships are sapping too much of your energy. What better time to do that than right now, before the social season kicks in? Consider it a sort of spring cleaning of the friends.
So how do you go about this?
STEP 1
UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP
Establish what friendship means to you. I’ve made my own little list of what I think friends are. See if you agree and then add your own criteria to the list. Don’t necessarily think about YOUR friends – just think about what you think friendship is or should be.
I think good friends are people who:
• Take the time to ask you how you feel
• Listen to what you say
• Invite you to spend time with them
• Hug you for no reason
• Tell you they love you
• Take a real interest in your life
• Trust you with their secrets and keep yours under lock and key
• Are truthful with you, but always kind
• Are open to you
• Enjoy similar things to you
* Call you on your stuff
* Truly want you to be happy, successful and all the good things
And most importantly, a good friend is someone who makes you feel good about yourself. They should not make you feel guilty or misunderstood or in competition or feeling like you have to watch what you say. You don’t feel judged or put down in any way. You can be yourself.
Step 1 is really about knowing how you feel about friendship – how you would define it.
STEP 2
MAKE A LIST OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS
Now think about your friends. Who are they? (Other than the 357 friends you have on facebook…)
Start by listing the people you spend the most time with (outside of work). Now think about who your favourite favourite people are – even if they live far away or you don’t see them that much… Do the two lists match up? Are you spending the most time with your favourite peeps?
STEP 3
ESTABLISH THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Now that you have a list of who your friends are, think about how these people fulfil your idea of what friendship is from step 1.
Who are the people who tick most of the boxes and especially, who makes you feel good about yourself and comfortable to be yourself?
Which of these friends do you love?
Who do you trust?
Who do you feel the safest with?
Who can you really be yourself with?
Who loves you?
Who do you have unresolved issues with?
Really think about what each friend gives you. What it is you enjoy about each one and where do you feel you are not enjoying the friendship truthfully?
Analyse each friendship in terms of the amount of joy it brings you and how “safe” you feel really being yourself. You might find the list gets considerably shorter as you go through your criteria.
STEP 4
WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?
I remember reading somewhere (probably a Famous Five or Secret Seven book) that in order to have good friends you have to be a good friend. It’s always stuck with me – or rather resurfaced whenever I felt lacking in the friend department or let go of a friendship for whatever reason…
You’ve looked at how you think your friends fair. How do you match up? Look at your list of criteria again. Are there areas where you fall short? Are there friendships where you give too little? Or too much?
For instance, do you know as much about your friends as they know about you? Do you remember their birthdays and their kids’ birthdays? Do you appreciate them for the people they are? Do you give as much as you receive? Do you ask them how they are and listen to the answer? Do you gossip about your friends? Do you wish them well or are you envious of their success? Are YOU honest and supportive and compassionate and fun to be around?
STEP 5
TAKE ACTION
So now you have a good feeling for who the most special people in your life are. And you’ve thought about the kind of friend you are… What steps do you need to take to spring clean your friendships?
Maybe you need to email your long distance friends more and grow the friendships despite the distance?
Perhaps you’ve realised you have a friend or two who just doesn’t make you feel good about yourself or who you don’t have that much in common with after all?
Do you need to reach our more to the people you care about?
Do you have friends who are going through “stuff” who could use a bit more support?
Is there a friendship you need to get “back on track” by getting something off your chest?
Are there any on your list who you can honestly say bring you NO JOY?
Anyone on your list who would be delighted to receive a small surprise gift or even a phone call from you – just because you love them?
Any new friends you really want to make an effort to get to know better?
Anyone you’ve lost touch with who you want to rekindle the friendship with?
Work out your own action plan and then take real steps – STARTING TODAY - towards ensuring all your friendships are real, true and mutually joyful!
FINALLY, Step 6. If you wrote a list of your friends and gave them all ratings and wrote down honest thoughts about them, burn or delete that list this instant. For real.