lovenotfear Thoughts and inspiration for a happier you




WWTBVOMD?


No, it’s not a word puzzle, so my apologies if you spent the last 17 minutes trying to figure it out.

What it is, is an acronym. You know how some people wear rubber bracelets that say WWJD? It means What Would Jesus Do? - and the purpose of course, is to get you to stop and think about whether the way you are responding to something is the way Jesus would respond. Or to give you guidance when you don’t know what to do.

I have a better one. When in doubt, ask yourself:
What Would the Best Version of Me Do?

WWTBVOMD?

A client sends an email that triggers you and you’re about to pop one back, resplendent with phrases like “as per my last email”, “just so you know” and “by the way”.

Stop. Ask yourself – what would the best version of me do?

You’re out with some friends, your partner is at home and a cutie starts to flirt with you. What would the best version of you do?

Even if you are just considering staying in bed for another hour or in your PJs all day. Is that would the BEST version of you would do?

Whether in work, relationships or just when you’re by your own self, there is always the option to be the best version of yourself in that moment. And sometimes, the best version of you DOES stay in bed for another hour or in your PJs all day because self-care doesn’t come naturally to you, and it’s what you really need in the moment. There is no specific right or wrong. It’s not WHAT WOULD THE BEST VERSION OF STEVEN DO (or Rory or Alison). What would the best version of YOU do?

Next time you’re confused about what to do, how to do it, or whether to do it at all, remember WWTBVOMD? And then do that.

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6 ways to make your Mondays less blue


If you are one of those people who suffer from what I call BMS (Blue Monday Syndrome), here are a few simple ways you can turn it around. It won’t happen overnight, but if you re-train your brain you can actually look forward to Mondays.

The first thing to ascertain is why you feel blue on Mondays.

It probably boils down to one of two scenarios.

NUMBER 1. You are not living / working / loving / being the way you want to.

The first is that what you do for a living, or what your week entails makes you unhappy. In other words, there are major changes to be made in your life before you will enjoy or look forward to Mondays. Do you hate your job? Is there anything else in your life that makes Mondays unbearable? If the answer is yes, then consider ways to change that thing. I’m not suggesting you resign or do anything drastic, but what can you do to make it more pleasant, enjoyable, aligned with your purpose and values? Even small shifts can make a difference. In this scenario you are probably enjoying weekends, because you can almost pretend things are good, and then Monday rolls around again and you are hit with reality and you feel miserable.
What big change do you need to make in your life? Start giving it some thought and take small steps in that direction.

Number 2. It’s just that Monday feeling…

The second scenario is preferable – this is when it’s not any particular thing that brings you down. Perhaps you actually like your job and/or your life and your Monday activities, it’s just a mindset habit you have formed over the years. Many people experience this and it’s largely a hangover from childhood, because of the way it used to feel on Sunday evenings when Carte Blanche was on and you had to make sure your home work was done – that dreaded Monday back-to-school after a carefree weekend feeling. If this is the case, you’re lucky, because the only changes that need to take place are in your mind.

Try these ideas!

  1. What one thing can you change?
    What’s the thing that bugs you most on Mondays? Maybe it’s the school run or the stress of getting everyone out the door on time that gets your Mondays off to a bad start? What one thing can you do to improve the situation? Maybe it’s joining a lift club, changing your work start time or – if your kids are still doing their schooling online, sorting out a separate “office” for them.

  2. How can you start your day with a positive wave?
    Maybe you begin to keep a Monday gratitude journal, where you write down all the things that are good and positive in your life. Perhaps it’s a matter of waking 15 minutes earlier and doing a few stretches and a meditation, taking a quick walk or reading something positive and uplifting.

  3. Start a Positives-Only Monday Mindset.
    The idea is to try to focus ONLY on positive things on Mondays. From the time you open your eyes, think about, feel, read, write and listen to only uplifting positive things. What are you looking forward to? What are you grateful for? What makes your heart sing? Focus on those things. Yes, you still have to work, and drop the kids off and wax your legs, but find the joy, the gift, the silver lining in everything. You may start to see this attitude spill over into Tuesdays and Wednesdays and before you know it, life looks a little brighter all-round.

  4. Prepare for Mondays.
    If you know your Mondays are likely to be blue, why not prepare in a way that automatically makes them better or easier? This could involve putting your clothes out on a Sunday night, so there’s one less thing to think about or asking your cleaning lady if she can come in on Mondays, if it’s the weekend mess that irks you. You could also prepare by making sure your work schedule is prepared and you know what the week looks like, so that you don’t start Mondays in a panic, trying to remember what’s going on and freaking out about how much there is to do.

  5. Prepare emotionally too.
    If you know Mondays are blue, try to ensure any triggers are cleared (such as a dirty house or being unprepared for the work week ahead), and then end your Sunday night with a meditation, yoga or stretches, perhaps even coming up with a mantra you can say on Sunday night and Monday morning.

  6. Make Monday the best day.
    Another way is to have some sort of reward or spoil for yourself on a Monday. Whether it’s a yoga class, ready-made meal to look forward to every Monday, or making Monday a night you watch your favourite show for an hour or two or give yourself a manicure and put on a facemask. Make Monday Treat Day!

Above all, bring your awareness to how you feel on a Monday. Awareness is always the first step, followed by making a choice to make a change.

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Whatever!”


It’s quite a simple equation - if you want to see and feel an immediate improvement in your relationship, improve the way you (both) communicate.

Words have incredible power. We use them – sometimes in the most subtle ways - to bring our partners down, criticise them, make them feel a bit bad about themselves and other not-so-nice things. Here are 10 phrases you should stop saying immediately.

1. “Whatever.”
A timeless classic, “whatever” is used to dismiss what your person is saying (and feeling). It’s a firm favourite with those who have a passive aggressive style of communicating in a disagreement. When they start to feel angry or uncomfortable or like they’re backed into a corner, instead of facing the disagreement, expressing their emotions honestly and hearing what the other person is saying, they say “whatever” to summarily end the disagreement.

2. “Anyway…”
A bit more subtle, “anyway” is also dismissive. It implies that the conversation isn’t worth finishing, or that your or your partner’s thoughts, feelings etc., are not that important. It’s a verbal outward wave of the hand. It can sometimes work as a segue from the conversation you started but got too chicken to finish and the part where you move swiftly along to something more mundane:

It’s just that you said you’d be here at 1. Anyway… have you decided what you want to order?” Stay with it. Finish the convo.

It can also be used in a self-effacing way – where you are almost managing to speak your truth about something, but then get scared or feel silly or something, so you say “anyway” to dismiss it and move on.

3. “Never mind”
Again, dismissive and disrespectful. It implies something like “you’ll never get it”, “it’s pointless”, “you’re stupid”. “I don’t care”, “you don’t care” and other such passive aggressive shitty things, without saying them.

4. “What’s wrong with you?”
This is rhetorical obviously, so not really a question - more of a statement. It says: “there is something very wrong with you.” It’s not nice. Don’t ever say this. Unless your dude has sold his car for cheap plastic inflatable flamingos that he hopes to sell on ebay. Then, you can say it. But if it’s because he eats meat, or said something inappropriate or missed the toilet, it’s not okay to say this. If you’re about to say this, ask yourself if you are making assumptions and being Judgy McJudgerson.

5. “You always…”
These sweeping blanket statements are never a good idea. Instead of saying “you always leave gooey stuff on the dishes when you wash them”, say: “hey babe, you’re a champ for washing the dishes, but I was thinking maybe you should wear your glasses when you do, because you sometimes don’t see some remnants, you sexy beast of a man”.
Instead of: “you’re always in a bad mood”, try: “you seem to be in a not-so-good space lately… is there anything I can do?”

6. “You never.”
Same as above. “You never bring me flowers anymore.” “You never get it.” “You never listen.” Stop. Take a breath. Think about what it is you feel is lacking, and without using the word “never”, ask for what you want. Instead of: “you never ask me how my day was”, say: “I would love it if once in a while you showed an interest in my day, what I did, or what’s going on. Do you think you could try to be a bit more mindful of that and a bit more curious about my day?”
How much more productive and constructive is that?

7. “It’s fine.” (when it’s not) and “I’m fine” (when you’re not)
It’s so easy sometimes to say everything’s cool, when deep down (or even not so deep down), you’re actually feeling quite pissed off. If it’s not fine, don’t say it is. If you’re not fine, don’t say you are. You are allowed to express anger or disappointment, but do so with kindness and in a way that builds, rather than breaks. Truth in a relationship is very attractive. It may not feel like lying lying, but saying it’s all good when that is not how you feel is an untruth. If you don’t want to talk about it right there and then, rather say: “I am feeling super weird and it’s hard to know right now what the feeling is, so I just don’t want to talk about it now.

8. “If you love me…”
Don’t even. Unless you’re totally joking. This is super manipulative and has no place in a relationship beyond the year 1989.

9. “Typical”
When you’re in an argument, and your partner says or does something you don’t like, and your response is “typical”, it implies so much, doesn’t it? It’s basically saying, well this is exactly the kind of thing you would say/do, because you’re essentially, at your core, an asshole (or a liar, or a scaredy cat or whatever). It’s a direct attack on the other person’s character. This other person being your person – the one you love more than anyone else on earth, remember?

10. “You’re funny.”
Nothing wrong with saying this if you have just had a laugh and you’re telling your person that you think they’re funny. The problem comes in when the statement is nothing to do with humour, and you’re using the word “funny” as a replacement word for something you can’t say. Like lazy, or selfish, or insensitive, or whatever it is you are feeling about your little honey bear in that moment. Rather say how you really feel, but in a kind and constructive way, and only after assessing its importance in that moment.

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The ungrateful Little Swine


There once was a cute little pink little piggy.
His surname was Wiglet and his first name was Ziggy.
He lived in a lovely little house, in a very nice road,
with a beautiful garden, and a pool, and a toad!
He had friends and a bike and toys and such,
and his parents loved him very, very much.

He had a brand-new skateboard and a soccer ball too,
books and games and his very own loo!
He had his very own bedroom, with his very own bed
and shoes for his feet, and hats for his head
and a lunchbox to open - every day at 1,
with fruit and a cooldrink and a sandwich (or a bun).

Now you’d think he’d be happy with all that he had,
but no, little Ziggy only saw the bad…

His bike wasn’t new enough – not by a mile!
And his food was so plain that he just couldn’t smile.

He really really didn’t want to go to school,
and the water was too cold in his swimming pool.

The vacation was boring – he wanted to go home.
And the movie was stupid – “I’ve seen Home Alone!”
“I don’t feel like going to the beach!” he’d say,
and: “why won’t the neighbour’s weird kid go away?”

All day long, he’d complain and he’d whine,
because Ziggy was an ungrateful little swine.

One day his parents took him out to the slums
to show him some piggies with very dirty bums.
“But why is that one so thin?” asked Ziggy.
“Well”, said his mom, “there’s no food in that piggy!”

There’s no mommy to feed him, no butter, no bread…
Who knows when last that little piggy was fed?
He has no lunchbox, no books and no shiny toys.
There are no beach trips or new clothes for some little boys.”

Why, some little piggies have nothing at all…
No flat screen tv, no soccer ball,
no scooter or skateboard and definitely no bike
(and no rich uncle, like your uncle Mike).
There’s no money for school, so no education.
And do you think these little piggies ever go on vacation?”

Ziggy looked at the slumpiggies and after a while,
He noticed something strange – it was… a smile!
And there was another, and another and more!
Ziggy counted twelve, seventeen, twenty-one, twenty-four!
“But mommy”, he asked, “If everything’s so bad,
why are these piggies so… not very sad?
Why are they smiling and happy and stuff,
when it’s obviously obvious they don’t have enough?”

“Well”, said his mommy, “I think it’s because…
when you don’t have very much, you learn to value what’s yours.
You learn to appreciate everything you’ve got.
Whether it’s old or new, whether it’s perfect or not!”

“That little piggy’s toy is a big round stone.
He’s not complaining about his old-ish iPhone.

And those two old piggies are smiling broadly today,
just because they had a roll in the hay!”

“These piggies appreciate every little thing -
the bright stars at night, a butterfly wing,
an old crust of toast, a puddle of mud,
a sunshiny day spent outside with a bud,
a fresh patch of grass, the scent of a flower…
They’re grateful every second, every minute, and every hour!”

Later that night when Ziggy was in bed,
he couldn’t get the slumpigs out of his head.
He lay there, warm, and snuggled up tight,
and wondered how warm they were tonight.

The next morning at breakfast, as he sipped his tea,
he thought about saying “oh, woe is me!”
But then he wondered if the slumpigs were sitting down to food
and instead he said “thank you, it’s very, very good!”

When it was time for school, he didn’t complain.
He thought “I’m lucky to be able to train my brain!”
And when he opened his lunchbox and rolled his eyes,
Ziggy realised - much to his surprise -
that moaning about this and complaining about that
probably meant he was a bit of a brat…

He decided then and there that enough was enough
and that he would be grateful for all kinds of stuff!
For every new morning and every new night,
for his little piggy tail, for his hearing and sight,
for his toys and tv and toad and pool,
his bike and his bed - and even his school!

He was a very lucky piglet – he understood that now,
and so he made a solemn vow…
He promised his mommy he wouldn’t complain
about the sun or the wind or the snow or the rain
or the shoes on his feet or the food on his plate.

Ziggy had learned to appreciate!

And a funny thing happened from that very day.
He began to see things in a whole new way.

The pool was refreshing – no longer too cold,
and his bike was awesome – didn’t matter how old!

The peanut butter sandwich was actually quite yum.
And that movie was funny – the one he’d thought was dumb.

Everything’s better when you’re grateful, you see.
From your clothes to your food, and even a cup of tea.

A dull day at the beach becomes a wonderful treat.
And that boring apple suddenly tastes quite sweet.

“This vacation’s so fun it must never ever end!”
and the kid down the street… starts to look like a friend.

In fact the whole wide world began to look better to young Ziggy
the day that ungrateful little swine became a thankful little piggy.

THE END

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What are you missing most?


There are nine days left of the “hard lockdown” we’re currently experiencing. After that, who knows? We definitely won’t be attending any festivals for a very long time. (Insert sad face.) We probably won’t be booking flights anywhere for a while. And we’ll most likely be sanitising bedonnered and fistbumping our besties well into the future.

But aren’t we going to be delighted to be able to buy what we want, when we want it? Aren’t we going to be so grateful when we can hug our parents and spend quality time with them again? And aren’t we going to be overjoyed to have friends over for drinks - without fear of jail time or having to ration what’s left of the booze stash?

In other words, we are being given the opportunity to not only learn more about who and what’s important to us, but also to start to actively appreciate those people and things - to the max.

I think that’s my biggest take away from this experience - what I may have been taking for granted. The ocean. The mountains. My folks and friends. The freedom to walk my dogs in the most exquisite places. A steady stream of work and income. A beer at Dunes. My brother in the US, who I don’t speak to nearly enough. Bikram in a stunning yoga studio. Pitching my tent at a music or spiritual festival. Seeing the final four episodes of the latest season of Grey’s Anatomy (it’s OK Shonda, we understand why you had to halt filming.)

I am trying not to lament the lack of these things at the moment, but rather attempting to practice gratitude, and commit to being more aware post-lockdown, so that I do all these things more often, and with my full appreciation.

I didn’t attend a yoga class for months - months, people! And as lockdown hit, I thought “Aaw no, that means I can’t go to yoga, boo hoo, poor me.”

Really, Nikki? Really?

What and who are you missing the most?

What can’t you wait to do? Where can’t you wait to go? Who can’t you wait to hug?

From what I’m seeing on social media, it seems the big question is actually - what can’t you wait to drink?

I am not a big drinker, but how I thought 12 Savanna Lites were going to see me through is beyond me. So I can’t wait for a Savanna Lite… ooooh and a Castle Draught. Not at the same time.

(Actually, maybe at the same time.)

I can’t wait to hang out at my folks’ place and take my dogs up a mountain and drive up the west coast and have some peeps round for a braai and go for sushi and pitch my tent.

I think this has been a time of reflection for many of us, and a chance to reassess who and what we value most in this funny old life.

May we never ever take any of it for granted again.

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Spring Clean your Friendships


I think it’s important every now and then to stop and consider your friendships: establish who your real friends are, which new friendships you should pursue and which friendships are sapping too much of your energy. What better time to do that than right now, before the social season kicks in? Consider it a sort of spring cleaning of the friends.

So how do you go about this?

STEP 1

UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

Establish what friendship means to you. I’ve made my own little list of what I think friends are. See if you agree and then add your own criteria to the list. Don’t necessarily think about YOUR friends – just think about what you think friendship is or should be.

I think good friends are people who:

• Take the time to ask you how you feel
• Listen to what you say
• Invite you to spend time with them
• Hug you for no reason
• Tell you they love you
• Take a real interest in your life
• Trust you with their secrets and keep yours under lock and key
• Are truthful with you, but always kind
• Are open to you
• Enjoy similar things to you
* Call you on your stuff
* Truly want you to be happy, successful and all the good things

And most importantly, a good friend is someone who makes you feel good about yourself. They should not make you feel guilty or misunderstood or in competition or feeling like you have to watch what you say. You don’t feel judged or put down in any way. You can be yourself.

Step 1 is really about knowing how you feel about friendship – how you would define it.

STEP 2

MAKE A LIST OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS

Now think about your friends. Who are they? (Other than the 357 friends you have on facebook…)

Start by listing the people you spend the most time with (outside of work). Now think about who your favourite favourite people are – even if they live far away or you don’t see them that much… Do the two lists match up? Are you spending the most time with your favourite peeps?

STEP 3

ESTABLISH THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Now that you have a list of who your friends are, think about how these people fulfil your idea of what friendship is from step 1.

Who are the people who tick most of the boxes and especially, who makes you feel good about yourself and comfortable to be yourself?

? Which of these friends do you love?
? Who do you trust?
? Who do you feel the safest with?
? Who can you really be yourself with?
? Who loves you?
? Who do you have unresolved issues with?

Really think about what each friend gives you. What it is you enjoy about each one and where do you feel you are not enjoying the friendship truthfully?

Analyse each friendship in terms of the amount of joy it brings you and how “safe” you feel really being yourself. You might find the list gets considerably shorter as you go through your criteria.

STEP 4

WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU?

I remember reading somewhere (probably a Famous Five or Secret Seven book) that in order to have good friends you have to be a good friend. It’s always stuck with me – or rather resurfaced whenever I felt lacking in the friend department or let go of a friendship for whatever reason…

You’ve looked at how you think your friends fair. How do you match up? Look at your list of criteria again. Are there areas where you fall short? Are there friendships where you give too little? Or too much?

For instance, do you know as much about your friends as they know about you? Do you remember their birthdays and their kids’ birthdays? Do you appreciate them for the people they are? Do you give as much as you receive? Do you ask them how they are and listen to the answer? Do you gossip about your friends? Do you wish them well or are you envious of their success? Are YOU honest and supportive and compassionate and fun to be around?

STEP 5

TAKE ACTION

So now you have a good feeling for who the most special people in your life are. And you’ve thought about the kind of friend you are… What steps do you need to take to spring clean your friendships?

? Maybe you need to email your long distance friends more and grow the friendships despite the distance?
? Perhaps you’ve realised you have a friend or two who just doesn’t make you feel good about yourself or who you don’t have that much in common with after all?
? Do you need to reach our more to the people you care about?
? Do you have friends who are going through “stuff” who could use a bit more support?
? Is there a friendship you need to get “back on track” by getting something off your chest?
? Are there any on your list who you can honestly say bring you NO JOY?
? Anyone on your list who would be delighted to receive a small surprise gift or even a phone call from you – just because you love them?
? Any new friends you really want to make an effort to get to know better?
? Anyone you’ve lost touch with who you want to rekindle the friendship with?

Work out your own action plan and then take real steps – STARTING TODAY - towards ensuring all your friendships are real, true and mutually joyful!

FINALLY, Step 6. If you wrote a list of your friends and gave them all ratings and wrote down honest thoughts about them, burn or delete that list this instant. For real.

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25 ways to get into a good mood today


So you sometimes find yourself in a crappy mood and you can’t really figure it out because nothing’s really wrong, but you just can’t shake it and find yourself sneering at your pet fish? Here are some easy, cheap and fun ways to improve your mood, very quickly. It’s not rocket science, but we sometimes forget in those dull, gloomy moments that there are things are that can improve our moods.

  1. Go to you tube and search “Funny kid”, “adorable”, “cutest thing ever” or similar. You are bound to find something that tickles your funny bone and makes you feel better… (Don’t do this if the reason you’re in a bad mood is related in any way to your wasting so much time online)
  2. Meditate. If you don’t know how, then just lie or sit comfortably with your eyes close and breathe easy for a while, trying at the same time to consciously concentrate on relaxing every part of your body. If your mind wanders, simply turn your focus back to your breathing and relaxing. Don’t allow negative thoughts to take hold. Breathe and let them go and think only about nice stuff, if you must think. Do this for 10 minutes and you will feel better.
  3. Watch a sunrise.
  4. Watch a sunset.
  5. Eat a hot fudge and choc-chip ice cream in a sugar cone.
  6. Have an orgasm.
  7. Have an orgasm while eating a hot fudge and choc-chip ice cream in a sugar cone.
  8. Play a song or CD you love dancing to and then… just dance! Crank it up, close your eyes, kick off your shoes, let down your hair and shake shake shake what your mama gave you.
  9. Watch a fantastic comedy or musical - something you know you love. My go-to’s are Romance and Cigarettes, Bridesmaids and anything with Kristen Wiig in.
  10. Get some sun. Even if you’re stuck behind a computer all day, just step outside for 5 minutes and feel that delicious sunshine on your face. (Unless of course you live somewhere super chilly and rainy. Like Scotland. In which case you’re kinda missing an item on this list. Ok your No. 10 is Have some Whiskey. Not a lot though.)
  11. Lie down on a fresh, soft patch of grass with your eyes closed and smile. It’s impossible to not feel better.
  12. Spend a few minutes or an hour with animals – if you have pets go and snuggle up or play or just connect with them. If you don’t have pets, visit friends who do, visit an aquarium or go the dog park and make furry friends. WARNING: Approach strange dogs with caution.
  13. Daydream. Visualise a perfect day you might be able to have sometime in the near future – if you have plans, or expecting visitors over December or whatever – imagine yourself on that beach or taking the road trip or even just being off for a few days and being able to sleep in. Let yourself fantasise about a totally plausible event… It’s powerful.
  14. Create something. Buy a R40 pack of clay and make a mini bust of Trump; or paint or draw something, make up a silly song, write a haiku… Being creative releases feel-good-juices.
  15. Exercise also releases serious endorphins, so you can’t help but feel better. If you are a regular exerciser, do your favourite form – yoga, gym, mountain biking etc. If you haven’t exercised for many years, don’t panic. There have been some advancements since the jumping jack and aerobics. I would suggest hot yoga; walking on a mountain; frisbee on the beach; surfing; pilates; hot yoga, indoor rock climbing, rollerblading, swimming and did I mention hot yoga?
  16. Find pretty things in nature – go searching for shells or pebbles or crystals or wild flowers. Seriously. You might think you’re not in the mood, but when your feet hit that sand and you start looking around, magic can happen!
  17. I was in a bad mood recently and then I drank my first ever Frankie’s Root Beer and my mood improved instantly. True story. If you’ve never tasted root beer, I can tell you that it tastes almost exactly like FUN.
  18. Do something nice for someone else. Bake cupcakes and take them to a children’s home, or make sandwiches for your local homeless peeps or just perform a random act of kindness towards a stranger. Creating a joyous moment for someone else will put you in a good mood. Unless you’re a real meanie.
  19. Slap asses. I don’t know about you, but slapping someone’s ass always makes me feel better. Sneak up on co-workers, chase the postman and get a good slap in there, surprise your housemate with a good one… use your imagination.
  20. Phone someone you adore – a friend, sibling, granny etc. and have a chat. Make sure it’s someone who is positive and happy and makes you feel good.
  21. Make a list of things to look forward to. You might feel like you don’t have that much to look forward to…but once you get going, there’s probably quite a lot! Examples: Christmas, payday, movie night, date night, a new season of Masterchef Australia, a friend’s birthday party, your New Year’s Eve plans, a sporting event you’re attending or partaking in, your Christmas Turducken, an upcoming festival, stuff like that.
  22. Think about all the things you’re grateful for. Once you start listing them, you’ll be surprised how many there are and it will be impossible not to snap out of your shitty little mood.
  23. Take a nice long drive somewhere pretty, play some singalong songs and wind down your window and sing like there’s no tomorrow!
  24. Breathe. Just sit somewhere nice and breathe – take 9 in and 9 out, three times, through the nose, with your exhalations and inhalations the same length of time. Feel that lovely stuff filling your lungs. You’re alive!
  25. Buy yourself a gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive or anything… Just work out your budget, think about stuff YOU love a lot or anything that’s interesting you at the moment or anything you might need to make your life easier or more enjoyable and then go out and buy yourself a present. “Because you’re worth it”. It could be mascara or a CD or a new pair of shoes or a Kinder Joy chocolate.

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The Law of Least Effort


One of my favourite possessions is a little book by Deepak Chopra called The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success. He has such a wonderful way of simplifying complex philosophies so that the man on the street (or even the woman on the couch) can easily understand them.

Personally I think everyone should buy the book, but until such a time as you have it in your slender hands, I’ll give you a taste – THE LAW OF LEAST EFFORT.

In essence, this law states that nature’s intelligence or the Universe functions with effortless ease … with carefreeness, harmony, and love. And when we as humans harness the forces of harmony, joy, and love, we create success and good fortune in our lives, with effortless ease. He puts it beautifully when he says a blade of grass doesn’t try to grow, it just grows. A bird is not constantly struggling to fly – it just flies.

Wouldn’t be great if we could live as easily and naturally and effortlessly as grass grows… without all this damn struggling we do all the time?

According to the 7 Spiritual Laws, work, money, success, love… all the things we struggle to hold onto all the time, would come to us easily if we learnt to go with the flow of the universe, if we learnt to stop struggling against the natural order of things and learnt to just be…

Let’s take look at a few everyday examples:

The Party”

Let’s say you want to go to a party and the true reason you want to go to this particular party is because your ex is there with his new girlfriend and you want to see what she looks like.

(Don’t pretend you’d never do it)

While you’re getting dressed and visualising what might happen when he sees you 6kg lighter, your phone rings and it’s an old friend in town for the night wanting to hook up for drinks.

TEST: What do you think the easy, harmonious, flow-of-the-universe decision would be?

To let the ex get on with his night and meet up with your mate, of course! Your night will be effortless, fun and uplifting.

But…by declining the friend’s offer and going to the original party, all nervous and full of fear and ill-intent, you are struggling against the natural order of things and will probably have a kak night! Why? Because your decision was in essence based in fear, and not love.


The Artist”

Let’s say you’re an artist and all you really want is to be able to make a living from your art.

But, the nature of the art world being what it is, the strains and stresses of everyday life and societal pressures mean you can’t just create… because as you create, you’re wondering if it will sell, how much it will sell for, etc. You let other people’s crticisms sway you or make you doubt yourself or your ego won’t allow you to take good advice or crticism. Or maybe you refuse to take a normal job in the meantime because you believe it’s a sign of failure etc. etc. when in reality it’s simply a means to the end and perfectly acceptable, if not necessary. Basically, you are letting fears and doubts and ego into your art.

But if for instance you decide to take a part-time job which is actually quite OK and you accept that and your art is a pure expression of love and freedom and joy, and you are simply creating because you are a creator, the positive energy will continue to flow from you and therfore WITH you and more will come to you!

You could even go out of your way to make sure that the job is related to your art, so that it is in alignment with your BIG PLANS, for instance by working nights at the Butt Art Studio.


The Promotion”

Or let’s say you really really want a promotion and when the time comes, someone from outside is appointed and joy of all joys, the skinny little bi-atch is now your superior…

Being bitter, making judgements and assumptions about the decision, being uncooperative with the new chick, walking around the office with a face like a smacked asshole and so on, will not bring you any joy at all and will create a domino effect of struggling with her and could escalate to Dynastian proportions.

But if you embrace the decision and truly carry on with love in your heart, you might find things turn out in your favour after all. Because you just never know what the flow of the universe is. For all you know she feels she doesn’t fit into the company and resigns, recommending you for the position because you’ve been so helpful and supportive and stuff!

See what I’m saying? Trust the Universe. Accept. Go with the flow and things will be easier than you can imagine.

Stop questioning, second-guessing and trying to control. Relinquish that control to the Universe and you’ll soon find you have so much more energy to enjoy yourself.

Which does not mean DO NOTHING. It doesn’t mean you can sit on your ass all day waiting for things to come to you - it simply means there is an EASY path to your success and the things you want in life.


Deepak gives this advice for people wanting to learn to practice The Law of Least Effort

Accept people, circumstances and events as they are in this moment, because it took the entire universe to create this moment.

When confronted with a challenge, remind yourself, “This moment is as it should be, because the entire universe is as it should be.” Accept things as they are, not as you want them to be.

Take responsibility for your situation without blaming anything or anyone, including yourself.

Try to see every problem as an opportunity which can be transformed to greater benefit.

Practice defencelessness: Relinquish the need to defend your point of view. Remain open to all points of view, not rigidly attached to one of them. That way, when opportunity knocks, you’ll willingly open the door!

It’s not easy putting these principles into practice, but it’s not impossible! Baby steps. For instance, when I wake up tomorrow morning and look at my winter blubber, I will accept it, embrace it even. I will accept responsibility for the winter blubber without blaming myself. I will not try to squeeze into something I clearly don’t fit into. Instead I will slip effortlessly and happily into my Tai fishing pants and superwoman t-shirt, slap myself on the ass and say “yeah baby” or similar.

And I definitely won’t spend too much time worrying if you-know-who is getting along with her you-know-what this week. Or when next they may see one another. Breathe. Let go. Trust. Least effort. Flow.

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Asshole Quiz


You know how sometimes you come across someone who is rude to waiters, belittles parking attendants, treats their partner badly and just generally leaves you feeling not-so-nice? It occurred to me that those very people probably don’t know that they are assholes…

So I thought a little tool might be useful in very quickly identifying our asshole-potential!

Now I know it’s not nice to think that YOU might be an asshole but alas, sometimes one must consider it as a possibility. And if you’re not, let this help you identify any people in your life who might be in danger of becoming an asshole or who are already giant assholes.

Simply answer YES or NO to the following questions

  1. Have you fallen out with one or more friends in the last year?
  2. Have you had any kind of falling out with any of your family members in the last year?
  3. Do any of your husband / wife / partner’s friends dislike you?
  4. Could you describe any of your close friendships or relationships as volatile, or “up and down”.
  5. Do you ever get the feeling that those close to you are walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting you?
  6. Are there times when you truly dislike yourself?
  7. Do you ever wish harm or unhappiness on others?
  8. Have your colleagues ever complained to your superiors about your attitude?
  9. Have you made someone close to you cry in the last three months?
  10. Do you ever get the feeling that people are purposefully avoiding you?
  11. Has anyone told you in the last six months that you are mean, nasty, selfish, spiteful or manipulative?
  12. Has anyone purposefully damaged your property or acted maliciously towards you in the last year “to get you back”?
  13. Do you often find yourself enthusiastically gossiping about other people?
  14. Has someone actually called you an asshole or similar in the past six months?

Now count up all your YES answers…

0 YES answers

You’re a saint. You’re a good person. You’re lovely. You’re nice. But you must beware of being a doormat. Read those questions again and see if anyone in your life sprung to mind as you read… If so, you might be in danger of giving too much of your precious time and energy to an asshole. Think about it. If you do feel like you’re the flipside to someone else’s asshole coin, start making changes today. Don’t forget that as nice as it is to be nice, it’s not nice when your niceness allows someone else to be not nice to you.


1 – 4 YES answers

That’s ok. It’s normal to have the odd little drama here and there – we’re all human after all. Sometimes we’re misunderstood. Sometimes we’re grumpy as all hell. Sometimes we’re going through stuff and sometimes we’re just premenstrual and have a brat attack for no good reason and That’s ok. Just be aware of how often you have emo drama in your life and keep it to a minimum.


5 – 8 YES answers

Look at your answers again carefully and make sure you are not just persecuting yourself. Are all your YES answers true, or are you making unfair assumptions and judgements about yourself? If they really are true, then see where you can slowly start to change your behaviour to the benefit of yourself and those around you. Look at what your triggers are and dig deep to try to understand why things trigger you into behaving in the way of the asshole. What are your personality traits, characteristics, attitudes or behaviours that account for most of your YES answers above? For instance – jealousy or low self-esteem or aggression or sarcasm or manipulation. What should you be doing LESS of and which behaviours or attitudes (like empathy, compassion, patience etc.) should you be practising more? Come on. Make an effort to be nicer.


More than 8 YES answers

Woah, Nelly! If you really had more than 8 YES answers, you should probably find some time to examine WHY. Are you holding onto old anger and resentment? Are you acting and speaking from your truth or are you always defending yourself? Are you always making excuses for your behaviour and blaming others for the drama in your life? Or, if you’re truthful, do you realise that most of the time, it is in fact YOUR shitty attitude that causes problems in your relationships? If so, it’s time to admit that you are not being the best you that you can be. DON’T PANIC. You can learn to understand and love yourself better. You can change your attitude towards life. You can change your behaviour towards other people and build more meaningful and truthful relationships. But it is most definitely time to make a change. Get your shit together, asshole.


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Karma


I wanted to say a quick word about Karma because I was reminded again recently of just how powerful it is.

I was freelancing at an agency in Somerset Road for two days. Running late on day one and struggling to find parking, I decided to bite the bullet and park in the Cape Quarter 2 parking. By the time I got back to my car later that day, I owed 60 South African Rond.

I handed R100 over and the sweetest lady behind the counter gave me my change. But as I drove out I realised she had given me 60 back instead of 40.

It didn’t feel right to keep driving, so I missioned like crazy in rush hour to turn around and I went back and gave her R20 back. She was very grateful and surprised and it felt nice.

The very next day I was again looking for parking in Somerset Road and surrounds and decided to go and park at CQ2 again because paying R60 was less taxing on the nerves than driving up and down the one way streets for 45 minutes. Different lady this time.

When I came back to my car hours later, expecting to pay R60 again, what do you know? There’s a manager-type guy standing at the open boom, and he smiles and tells me it’s my lucky day because they have to do something to the card machine quickly and I can just go.

Hello.
Rewarded karmically, the very next day, at the exact same place!

Would the Universe have conspired to let that happen had I driven off in glee clutching my scored R20 the day before??

I THINK NOT.

We all know the expressions “you reap what you sow” and “what goes around comes around”….

I like this one though:

Karma is the eternal assertion of human freedom. Our THOUGHTS, WORDS and DEEDS are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves.” Swami Vivekananda

Isn’t that beautiful?

All these expressions boil down to the same thing: Spread love and joy and happiness around and it will come back to you.

Every time you make a choice about something, simply let your heart guide you and make the BEST choice in the moment: the choice which will be of the greatest benefit to you and those around you. And I truly believe there is always ONE choice which is the BEST for all.

Keep an eye out for the way you make your choices and the karma that you attract to yourself. That net that you have made - what does it look like? Those seeds that you are sowing on a daily basis - are they going to grow into love and light and happiness?

We also sometimes say “Karma is a bitch” and yes, she certainly is, if you are.

But if you are honest and kind and your words, thoughts and deeds are based in love, then Karma can be the sweetest lover, the best friend, the most comforting mother…

Be nice. And nice things will happen to you.

:)

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On attitude


If you had to plot your range of emotions and attitudes on a daily chart – literally, chart every single emotion as you feel it, all day for a few days, which emotions and states of mind would populate your chart most of the time? Not necessarily what you are portraying, but more in your own head… the thoughts you have?

For instance… you wake up and immediately need to wee. Do you experience IRRITATION at the fact that you can’t lie in for a few minutes; do you feel downright ANGER because this is not how you wanted to wake up, bla bla bla… or do you simply accept the fact, feel GRATITUDE for a good night’s sleep and go and pee with a smile on your face?

While peeing, do you think about what that stupid cow at the office said yesterday (HATRED) or do you think about ways to mend your relationship with the aforementioned cow, because she’s just another person trying to make their way through the world? (EMPATHY)

When driving to work, do you feel FRUSTRATION at slow drivers or people who try to cut in front of you and even worse, the bastards who block you from cutting in? Or do you practice ACCEPTANCE and simply listen to music and take ENJOYMENT from the drive?

When you see a larger-than-life woman with a gorgeous husband while grabbing a bagel for brekkie, do you express UNKINDNESS about her? Do you make JUDGEMENTS AND ASSUMPTIONS about their relationship or do you think “You go girl!”? (KINDNESS)

So you can see that just by going through your normal day you can have in your heart irritation, anger, hatred, frustration, unkindness, judgements and assumptions… OR, with exactly the same outer experiences, you can feel acceptance, gratitude, empathy, enjoyment and kindness…

That, I believe, is attitude! And it’s generally either mostly POSITIVE or mostly NEGATIVE.

Start paying real attention to your ATTITUDE towards life, love, yourself, your job, partner, friends and family. Make a mental (or written) note of the range of emotions, feelings and attitudes that live in your head and heart and see if you can’t start turning those negative ones around?

Cultivate a positive, happy attitude towards life and life will improve. I can almost guarantee it.

If you truly feel that you do already have a happy positive attitude towards life in general, BE GRATEFUL every day and start to consciously spread that happy attitude by being an example to the people around you!

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